April Useless Observations

  • UO #1: You’re only allowed to say that you’re being your authentic self when it applies to positive character traits. Why aren’t you allowed to say you’re “living your truth” when you’re a kleptomaniac or degenerate gambler?
  • UO #2: Alcohol variety packs are only 75% good. One out of the four flavors in any variety pack of beer or seltzer is experimental and disgusting. Looking at you, Raspberry Lime Truly.
  • UO #3: I read something online this month that said “The goal of modern propaganda is not to convince you to change your mind but to convince you that everyone else already has.” That will stick with me forever.
  • UO #4: If someone asks you if you can take a check or money order in the year of our lord 2022, they’re preparing to scam you. With debit cards, PayPal, Venmo, CashApp and so many other methods to transfer payments, no one should still be writing checks.
  • UO #5: The Philadelphia Phillies and the Houston Texas are the laziest names in North American sports history. A close runner-up is the Texas Rangers.
  • UO #6: How does Tylenol know exactly where the pain is when I take one?
  • UO #7: Imagine how different the world would be if you could only get married twice in your lifetime. I feel like marriage has been devalued to its current status because people think you get infinite do-overs. What if that changed? And while we’re changing things, what would happen if marriage was a contract that needed to be renewed every few years?

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