Ex On The Beach

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I have a confession to make.

When this election cycle started, I thought that the only candidate that had the potential to beat Donald Trump in November was Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. Because of this polarized political climate, I felt that only Biden was a real threat to Trump and the rest were pretenders. One by one the other candidates made crucial mistakes and dropped out, such as Michael Bloomberg’s awful track record with women, Cory Booker’s preferred comfort food of “veggies on the go”, and Kamala Harris’ criminal justice records. Well, now I realize I may have been a bit too hasty.

For the past few months, Biden has found surprisingly new ways to put his foot in his mouth and railroad the only shot at a Democratic victory. And despite the potential nomination of a female Vice President, I think Biden’s campaign might be too far gone at this point. I think as a country and a society, maybe we rushed into a committed relationship with Biden and we need to re-evaluate. In fact, it might serve us well to rekindle things with a Democratic ex.

I think we should bring back all of the primary candidates and put them into a beach house, “Real World” style. When everyone has arrived and is settled, we can give them another opportunity to spit their best relationship game to us American citizens. We can hear Booker’s pitch to end qualified immunity and send Amy Klobuchar to the Shack of Secrets to find out why she’s received more money from police unions than every other Senator except one. We can also give Andrew Yang one more shot at explaining universal basic income. Once we hear everyone’s new refined pitches, then we can decide whether we stay with Biden or whether we give love a shot with an ex. The show would be called “Ex on the Beach,” and only Lil Romeo can help us gain closure.

The closure of realizing Elizabeth Warren is the one that got away.