Goodbye Brian Kelly

I’ve waited for this day for so long.

I’ve hated Notre Dame football head coach Brian Kelly since at least 2010 and I’ve wanted him gone since at least 2014. With every late season collapse or colossal blowout loss my hatred for him increased, and with every top-10 season finish my dismay grew that he was going to end up coaching at my alma mater forever. Kelly was beginning to approach the same type of hatred that I hold for individuals such as Charlie Weis Sr. and Shaquille O’Neal and I feared that because of his recent contract extension and him becoming Notre Dame’s all-time wins leader he would never leave. However, my dreams have come true with the breaking news that he’s accepted a job to become the next head coach at LSU.

People always ask me why I hate Kelly, and the answer is very simple. First, Kelly (in)directly led to the death of Declan Sullivan in 2010. Upon orders from the coaching staff and despite his protestations, Sullivan climbed a water tower during strong wind gusts of up to 60mph in order to film a Notre Dame football practice. Not a game, not a game, we talking about practice man. The water tower tipped over, Sullivan fell to his death, and Notre Dame was found to be at fault by IOSHA.

The second reason I hate Kelly is because he shielded his player Prince Shembo from sexual battery allegations. The sexual attack occurred in 2010, but Shembo was only identified as the attacker in 2014 after he had left the school and was addressing the media at the NFL combine. After Shembo stated that the school administration and coaching staff advised him not to say anything prior to 2014, Kelly stated that it was in Shembo’s best interest to remain silent and not say anything about the incident. This also served the dual purpose of maintaining Shembo’s playing eligibility for Notre Dame and allowing Shembo to remain in the pool of potential NFL draft picks. Two weeks after the assault occurred in 2010, the victim Lizzy Seeberg committed suicide.

I don’t know why, but there’s an assumption that because Kelly is a practicing Catholic and coaches at a Catholic institution that he’s a super wholesome guy that will be overwhelmed by coaching in the SEC. Kelly isn’t Lou Holtz. The only assumption about Kelly that is correct is that his alma mater is named Assumption College. I have no doubts that Kelly will fit right in with everyone else in the “win-by-any-means-necessary” SEC. Many people use religion as a shield to absolve themselves from their actions, which is basically why Scientology exists, but I digress.

There’s rumors swirling about the compensation package that Kelly will be receiving from LSU, which may or may not rival the 10-year $100M contract that Lincoln Riley will be receiving from USC. There’s also rumors swirling about who Notre Dame will find to replace Kelly. I’d rather not comment on either of those and wait until all the facts come out. I will comment on the fact that Kelly didn’t bother to even tell his team that he was leaving until after the entire world had already found out about it, and he sent them a group text. So thoughtful.

However, I will say that all of the young men will be better off not being yelled at by their head coach until the coach turns purple in the face, or having said head coach throw them under the bus after tough defeats. The same can probably be said for members of Kelly’s coaching staff, who no longer have to fear being violently accosted following sideline mistakes. And I’ll end this newsletter by saying that I will be rooting against LSU in every sport with every fiber of my being for as long as they employ Brian Kelly.

Rest in peace to both Declan Sullivan and Lizzy Seeberg.

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