November Useless Observations

Hey,

I can’t believe it’s already December. Whenever someone would say ‘The older you get time flies” I refused to believe it. But now that I’m yearning for the benefits of an AARP membership I have to admit it’s true. My wants and needs in life have changed a lot over the past year, as now I most look forward to my CPAP machine and writing newsletters about my useless observations. I don’t want to prolong my happiness any further so let’s get into it. And by the way, last month’s edition can be found here.

• UO #1: I’ve spoken ad nauseum about the World Cup recently, but one of the things that I was happy to see was organized team protests from the German and Iranian national teams. Germany was protesting human rights conditions in Qatar and Iran was protesting human rights conditions in their home nation. Well, both teams have been unceremoniously dumped out of the competition. I’m sure this is purely a coincidence.
• UO #2: If a person is prone to dropping things, like Jerry Jeudy, they get the label of “butterfingers” because of how butter makes everything slick. However, the candy Butterfinger is made out of peanut butter, which is known for its sticky consistency. Jerry Jeudy appeared in an ad campaign for the video game Madden and his route-running ability was compared to smooth peanut butter. This inconsistency makes my head hurt.
• UO #3: Teeth are indestructible. It takes a serious amount of force to dislodge or chip a tooth. And to keep them running smoothly, all you have to do is polish them daily.
• UO #4: Sports halftime shows are utterly pointless. Why do they summarize what happened during the first half of a sporting event for the people that watched the first half of the sporting event? The shortening of human attention spans has gone too far.
• UO #5: I recently learned that pickup trucks that have two doors and a backseat are called extended cab trucks. This isn’t to be confused with two-door regular cab trucks or four-door quad cab trucks. Extended cab trucks have an extended truck bed which makes them more suitable as work trucks, but they give the owner a tiny backseat. I think that tiny backseat needs a name, and I’d like to suggest the pistol seat. Similar to how the passenger seat in a vehicle is known as the shotgun seat, “riding pistol” would mean being cramped in the tiny backseat. I hope this catches on.
• UO #6: Speaking of vehicles, why is it wrong to leave your dog in the car under any circumstances? There are so many times I’d like to run errands and bring my dog along with me but I can’t because someone will break my car windows out to rescue a dog that doesn’t need to be rescued. I understand when temperatures are sky high and it’s unsafe for anyone to be in a car for long periods, but when the temperature is in the 40s or 50s why is it still potentially illegal to do so? Animal cruelty is a very real thing, but letting my dog chill in the pistol seat while I run inside to grab Chipotle for us is not animal cruelty.

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