October Useless Observations

Hey,

Yesterday was Halloween and we didn’t get a single Trick or Treater. We got a bowl of candy, turned on the front house lights, and waited from 4pm to 8pm and not a single family even walked down our street. To drown my sorrows I decided to write my favorite type of newsletter: Useless Observations! Last month’s edition can be found here, but we need to get started or I might cry.

• UO #1: I only have two fears. The first is locking my keys in the car while getting gas at a gas station, and the second is turning the knob the wrong way while taking a shower at a hotel. The panic that sets in when you realize you turned the knob to the hot side instead of turning it off is too real. Now it’s a race against time to turn it all the way to the other side before that scalding hot water burns your nipples off. Terrifying.
• UO #2: When you receive a check, it has your name on the front. Why do you have to sign the back of the check before depositing it in your account? Shouldn’t there be a verification system that won’t allow you to deposit a check unless it has your name on it? What benefit does endorsing the check provide?
• UO #3: How does someone become a long snapper in football? Do players volunteer to become long snappers? Or does a coach have to come along and tell them that they have no future playing any other position other than long snapper?
• UO #4: Whenever anyone leaves a concert or sporting event early to “beat the traffic” it never works. This is an example of the fallacy of composition because for beating the traffic rush to work, you have to be the only person with that idea. This is highly unlikely when surrounded by thousands of other people reacting to the same environmental factors as you.
• UO #5: DeKuyper dominates the liqueur market. I’ve never seen a liqueur made by another company. Has anyone brought an antitrust lawsuit against them?
• UO #6: We need a new famous blind person. I don’t want to hear Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder being used as punchlines in rap music in the year of our lord 2023.
• UO #7: Beef and eggs are the only foods that require you to tell the chef how you want them cooked. Everything else that you eat is cooked until it’s done cooking.

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