Toilet Observations

My body hates me.

Ever since I lost a bet and had to eat ten ghost pepper-flavored chicken wings, I’ve had all sorts of digestive issues. Thanks, Rahn. I’ve seen an increase in my acid reflux and I usually try to avoid beer and spicy foods so as not to aggravate my fragile stomach. Well, earlier this week my fiancée picked up a few stuffed chicken breasts from Real Good Foods and I decided to have one that was filled with pepper jack cheese. That was a mistake.

While sitting on the toilet Tuesday night / Wednesday morning for a combined four hours, I had a lot of time to contemplate life and formulate useless observations. I figured I’d do a special edition from my stomach-induced insomnia instead of waiting for the end of the month, as I had quite a few ones that I thought were interesting. Let’s get into it.

• TO #1: I don’t condone eating disorders or bulimia, but I think situations like these could be avoided if I could force myself to vomit on command. I also think this would be useful for extremely bad hangovers.
• TO #2: A pint glass can hold a pint of anything. A shot glass can hold a shot of anything. But those weird copper mugs are only for Moscow Mules. Why do they get their own drinking vessel and nothing else does? Why isn’t there a special glass for Old Fashioneds or Red Bull and Vodka drinks? What happens if I drink Hennessy out of this weird copper mug?
• TO #3: Every year for Halloween I dress up in a costume modeled after someone from popular culture. An example of this is when I dressed up as NFL Hall of Famer Shannon Sharpe. What’s the difference between a costume and cosplay? Every time I see someone doing “cosplay” they dress up like pop culture icons and post pictures on Instagram. That’s the same thing I did. Did I do cosplay right?
• TO #4: Atlanta United went from winning a championship in 2018 to having zero All-Stars in 2022 and fighting to secure the last playoff spot. How does Technical Director Carlos Bocanegra still have a job?
• TO #5: I refuse to drink alkaline water because it seems like a marketing gimmick to me.
• TO #6: Everything isn’t a movement or a journey. Sometimes you’re a regular person doing regular person stuff. Social media has made all of us so vain.
• TO #7: Everyone I’ve ever met named Gail is conniving, manipulative, and cannot be trusted. Same for anyone named Earl or Reginald. I wouldn’t let someone named Reggie babysit a Pet Rock for me, let alone put myself in a position where I’m dependent on them.
• TO #8: I hate when people say “it’s business not personal” when conducting some type of business dealing. It’s always used after someone has taken something personally and I don’t think it’s right to diminish someone’s feelings. You can’t talk about how important it is to value feelings and mental health and then ignore someone’s feelings regarding business. This is especially true because according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs someone’s occupation or salary is key to their value and self-worth. Also, “it’s business not personal” goes to show how impersonal business is despite us spending so much effort on building relationships and business development. It’s all so inauthentic and it frankly makes me sick.

Pass this on to a friend (or three) and tell them to sign up here if you enjoy this newsletter.